This past week, I was SO excited, as I had lost some weight and broken through my plateau by coupling the 21 Day Fix portion control with my P90X3 workouts. I was officially down 70 pounds from my heaviest weight.
However, something in me also snapped this week. I have been running myself into the ground trying to be perfect. Trying to get the best results for those looking to me for inspiration, trying to be the best example for each of my challengers and friends. I weighed in at my lowest weight ever on Tuesday. Excited, YES.. but also nervous - and exhausted from trying so hard.
On Wednesday, I woke up discouraged. Nothing I was doing seemed to be helping people any more. I was trying, giving things my all, running FIVE different challenge groups, sending out messages upon messages every day to everyone, trying to hold everyone to their commitments, and working hard to meet new people to encourage and support. As a result of working on this all day and night, I was falling apart, and my family was seeing less and less of me. I realized I was back in the same place I was when I was working full-time outside the home anyways. AND I've been comparing myself to other Coaches (comparison is the thief of joy, I know this, but I still do it sometimes). This had caused me to become very discouraged - not only because they are more successful than I am, but also because they have reached their fitness goals or are closer to them and seem to have it all together.
To my shame, instead of snapping out of it, I ate my misery. For three straight days, I have done nothing but eat and eat and eat. I've eaten things I haven't eaten in years! The binge eating came back with a vengeance. I gained back the weight I've lost that last week already, and I felt gross and helpless again. Until earlier today.
If you've all read my story, you know how I've struggled with emotional eating since my little guy was born. For the first year, it was straight-up binge eating - taking out all of my frustrations and helplessness on every piece of food I could get my hands on. This week brought me back to that place.
You know what I finally did this afternoon? I remembered my inspiration. What did God use to get me out of that place? What did He use to speak to me to tell me how precious I am to Him and how my opinion of myself was void? He used TurboFire - so that's what I broke out this afternoon. I put in a movie for my little guy, laced up my sneakers, and worked out with my favorite trainer of all time for an hour.
It took about 30 seconds for me to start bawling like a little girl. About 10 minutes into it, I was still crying, but was putting every ounce of effort into my workouts. See, it brought me back to that place I was in before when I had lost all hope. And for the record: I know that my hope is in Christ. I know He loves me more than Chalene Johnson does - I (try to) read my Bible every day, and spend time with Him. But when it comes to how you see yourself, often times we don't think of how God sees us - and when Chalene tells me I'm worth the hard work & effort, I believe it. Because it reminds me that if she thinks that, how much more does our God? Even in our imperfections! Make sense?
I am now refocused, re-energized and ready to help those customers and friends again.. but I'm going to help them by helping myself and by SIMPLIFYING my efforts. No more running 5 - 7 challenge groups at a time. No more dragging people who don't truly want it bad enough or bugging those who don't want better health at all. I will do this thing and be my best by focusing on getting in my own workouts and eating as well as possible, and by not beating myself up when I have a bad day. Because I've learned my lesson this week - it's ok to fail. It's ok to be human and to mess up and OWN UP to it - it's called "failing forward", learning from your mistakes, thanking God for His grace and wisdom and moving on.
- Amanda :)